I don't post here very often, mostly because I don't think my life is all that damned interesting to other people. But I just wrote a reply to another DAer that I wanted to share here, because I think it tells more about me than I'd ever write on my own. I've left out names, etc. that would identify this person if he doesn't want to be identified. He probably doesn't care, 'cause he posted the original writing in both a journal and a deviation, but I like to be careful. So here it is.

Dearest x,

I will not try to console you with false pity. I shall only try to tell you my own story in the hope that you can see that there is a future for you.

I, too, was a terribly shy and awkward teenager. I was a tall, not-too-pretty girl, who was raised by a single father who didn't have the slightest idea how to raise a girl. He raised a boy. I know about cars, carpentry, home repair, etc. Great, if you're a guy. I didn't know about make-up, how to dress, and certainly not how to act around guys. And I was "nice." That horror of a word! Girls didn't like me because I wasn't like them. Guys didn't like me because I wasn't like other girls and, I suspect, threatened them on some level. I am still threatening to a lot of guys.

I married the first guy that showed the least little bit of interest in me. I was 19. It lasted five years. And only that long because I didn't know what else to do. I divorced him finally, and turned into a "bad" girl. I hung out with the biggest scum and creeps I could find. I drank. I did drugs. I tried to kill myself, sometimes on purpose but mostly just through the way I was living my life. Being nice had got me precisely zip. I had no real friends, no one loved me "just the way I am," and I thought I had no value as a human being. What in the name of God was I doing here? Sometimes (Hell, frequently!), I honestly believed I had been an alien baby left here on Earth accidentally. I felt like I was a freak of nature.

Then, due to an abundance of boredom, and wanting to be around a guy I liked, I went back to college. That guy was a creep, too, and so were a few more. I even tried to kill myself again. Apparently, thankfully, I'm not too good at it. Because I did finally meet "the one." The one who loved me for me, the one that put my happiness above his own, and for whom I would gladly risk my own life. And you know what? He's a "nice" guy. He works hard, he's the best father in the world, he respects women, and he is just plain wonderful. Not perfect, but wonderful.

My point? True love does not come easily or quickly. I was 27 before I met my guy. But it is worth waiting for, and it is out there. I know you may not think so now, but there are great things out there if yo just give it time. I would have missed SO much if I had ever succeeded at suicide. Twenty-one years with my love, my son would never have been born, and he is the joy of my life, and my biggest reason for living. Every day with him has been a blessing.

I've made friends just lately who appreciate my finer points! In fact I just got back from an antique and classic car show that I went to with them. They are two 26 year old guys that I work with, and they love it that I'm into classic cars. By the way, two years ago I bought a 1960 Cadillac Coupe de Ville in almost cherry condition. I'm having a ball driving it and fixing the little things that need fixing. I'd have missed that if I was dead! Who knew 25 years ago that THAT was in my future.

These same friends got me hooked on playing Halo and paintballing! I'm 49 for God's sake! But I'm having the time of my life. I've even gotten my husband and son hooked, so now we can all play together.

Jeez, I'm going on too long here. Please forgive me. I just want you to know that it's worth all the pain you have to go through. And, in fact, when you're older you'll wonder why you thought it was so painful. Believe me, I know how much it hurts. I haven't forgotten the pain, only put it in perspective.

Please, please, please don't do anything to yourself. Death is a VERY permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life is not an easy thing. I don't know why we have to struggle and hurt. Maybe just so we appreciate it more when the good things do happen.

I know you probably think I'm too damn old to know what you're going through, but I'm here if you need a friend